After stumbling and twisting one's heels

Pick thyself up and whistle a happy tune.

That's what essentially the spirit I spied in mGf I have not met, but discerned well enough to give my semi-doctoral diagnosis! -- who entertains us with a Times&Chimes art today.

Via www.theborneopost.com, cometh~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Sunday, March 11th, 2007


Of letting go and beautiful letdowns


Twisted Heels

I have been here for three years studying for my degree. It is coming to an end soon. Friends that I’ve met here would all leave for different, perhaps greener, pastures. Besides coursemates and work colleagues, I came to socialise with a few interesting characters.

One is a lady who studied journalism but now owns a modeling agency; another is a lad who works in a freight company but secretly hoping to set up a business selling remote control boats; and a high school dropout who earns a 5-digit income annually wholesale dealing on eBay.

All of these people come for a reason and for a season. Yet saying goodbye sounds surreal.

Letting go is a long, tiresome process for me. It always has been. I would like these moments to last longer, yet at the same time, I’m dying for a new start.

The fear to change comes naturally to humans.

The fear of knowing the truth, of knowing you are wrong, or that you might fail miserably in future ventures.

What makes me different from you is how we each deal with the fear, the same or maybe different fears, and how we utilise it to our advantage.

The fear of people is a rollercoaster ride. We all want to be understanding and be understood, but somewhere along the line, there will be moments whereby we are misunderstood for a reason, for a season, or for no reason at all! This is where the challenge begins.

Some may act, or be genuinely, happy and say: “The whole world is a stage” as quoted from Shakespeare.

With other Homo sapiens members, I have some roller-coaster feelings. There are people whom you can reveal your mask in confidence, and some, you just prefer not to reveal because either you know they are not very nice people, or you are not

comfortable with, or you just like to keep things a mystery. Until this very day, I still can’t let my guard down, and my walls are of anti-climbing paint.

However, there may be times it’s of no use to stage a happy show when you’re not exactly at that stage, or should I say feeling that “moment.” Still, there will be a peak when you just need to confront it all, and hope for a happy ending.

In some acts, one can’t keep the emotions totally suppressed. I’m not saying we should be depressed or emotional, but it is okay to contemplate with, having in mind to just get it over with.

I came from a long way to be who I am now. As a child, I did a whole load of naughty things, including stealing. I did get caught and my parents found out about it. Halfway through those challenging years, I had a terrible encounter. I was almost sexually assaulted. There are still times I think about it and the “what ifs” but that fear has subsided gradually.

In my emotional teenage years, I had been torn in many frustrating situations, being pushed forwards and backwards like a pendulum. There were problems with different people, and I even had fights with a close relative. I term all these as my “beautiful letdowns.”

After this June, I’ll be moving to where I am no one and to start everything all over again. I’m experiencing both excitement and apprehension.

I was on a short break recently. I was snapping grey squirrels in a lovely park in the middle of the city.

I walked up the slope and there was this elderly guy who was walking in tiny steps. I got kind of stuck in a dilemma - should I walk on snapping pictures or ask if he needed help? He made the decision for me when he asked: “Can you speak English?”

David suffered from congenital hip dislocation.

Due to his hips, he has trouble walking on uneven roads, needs help to sit down and stand up. He wanted to get to a seat which would normally take five minutes walk from where we stood.

It actually took us 15 minutes to the bench because he couldn’t rush with the steps, but I didn’t mind, and we had a great conversation.

He was a member in a group who holds talks about Disablement Awareness. I sat on the bench with him for nearly an hour talking, looking at people passing us by and listening to each other’s tales. He told me a couple of stories about himself and other members of his group who were being ridiculed, verbally abused and sympathised on.

David couldn’t walk for 10 years; the doctors and physiotherapists gave up on him, but still he stood strong. After 15 years of struggle, he finally managed to take tiny, little, baby steps.

That, my friends, is perseverance and confrontation!

We always complain about so many things in our lives, yet witnessing David’s predicament, I am now able to appreciate that “To see, hear and walk is a gift in disguise.”

Just like David who confronted his problem, the paint on my walls has peeled. I realised I’m learning to let go, and it’s getting easier with each passing day. I may not like to be alone, but I find at times, it makes me reflect better.

I do feel that I can’t trust people enough to tell them my inner-most thoughts because I would feel vulnerable. But as you are reading this, I’m halfway to success in this confidence-building process. I’ve got the walls down and someday soon perhaps, I’ll build better bridges.

_____________________________________

DESIDERATA: Awe that Desi would reveal about the writer is this:

Twisted Heels hails from Penang, enjoys blogging with
a winsome tease, and is a final-year Pharmacy student
in England.

In leisurely contributions that I have sought via this Blog since I first bumped into TheBorneoPost like that Mark Haddon's Incident of the Dog ...in the one stormy, dark and lonseome night in smallsville dominated by KennySia's scandalous nuts as big as cocoanuts and laughter that chill the bones nigh Catsville ... I often seem to be overwhelmed by writhings from the femail-gender, not that of my choosing, it's they being "fairer" in responding.

Maybe as mGf exiled to UK Howsy dedicated in his Women's International Day 'rites, women are taking over the world and species like Desiderata (and uncertain species like Howsy himself/herself, Doc Maverick, Doc too is gender-neutral, Anak Merdeka aka Arena Green -- "hey,AMOI, where art thou?" MIA for two moths!:( are in danger of becoming extinct.

Twisted Heels, Sabrina Tan, Kyels are some of the taking-over-the-world speci-mens who became "GUEST WRITERS" over at TheSundayPost at my invite and I thank them profusely. It's not my crime of omission that the likes of my specimens did not respond -- Maybe young&articulate johnleemk would feel out of place in mushy rumination as he enjoys the socio-polical warring/whoring out dare. But he's a pro -- -fligate, -truding,-hear, dare &everywhere! -- In time he will grow up to teasing girls and go for soft touches. For starters, mGf Imran adviced "Go waste thy youth a li'l!" and I gifted him DH Lawrence's "Lady Chatterley's L...."! Miss Patience, as I often promote hear -- is also Virtuous.

Now that I have done my Leisurely promos, I'd adhourn to more hoeme-y/homely/holy grounds?
Freelunch was escorted to MTUC grounds yesterday afternoon to check out Pidato Palestine-Iran-Iraq where former DPM Anwar Ibrahim spoke his mind about who the present situation in the hotbed of the Middle East posed a lingering problem that touches and impacts all of humanity worldworld, and wrokers' and human rights on freedom, soverignity and dignity of workers are associated struggles too. PKR newly minted Treasurer Khalid Ibrahim gave a novel ook at the problem via the pehnomenon of "PRE-EMPTION" ("Strike first on imagined premises, as illustratyed by US invasion of Iraq on alleged possession of weapons of mass destruction and introuding democracy ala-Bush as alternative to a dictarial and cruel regime under Saddam Hussein..) and "Pre-emption Insurance" (Nations aligning with other nuclera powers -- North Korea? my God, what an option worse than Hobson's!)
Drae we met with Nik Nazmi., the PA to the PKR adviser who is a person-to-watch in the politgical arean of NegaraKu, along with newly minted DAP catch, Tony Pua.

Along with newly-minted small catch -- yeah DAP agin! -- frelunch2020 who has committed to working -- "fooltime" izit? -- as TP's assistant.If I run out of e=meals, I'll drop by somewhere in Damasara Utama for T-bone-tehtarik breaks.
finally" in person. I'm