Colors of My Soul Updates
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Posted: 10 Apr 2012 01:28 AM PDT
Sometimes I feel my whole life is a dream. Not mine, maybe someone else’s. And then I wonder whose dream it might be and whether they are enjoying it.
I wouldn’t say my life is very entertaining but it definitely takes some weird forms and shapes at times. Sometimes it is all pinky and happy, sometimes everything is dark around and I am trying to pull through, trying to find a way, trying to find myself.Because losing our way would be the most dreadful of things… Maybe only losing yourself is worse. I feel I am losing both. 
Losing the way on a journey called life might be really unfortunate. But if you lose reasons for the journey itself it is much more cruel.
On this journey I am traveling alone. Sometimes there are others who would join and take the ride, sometimes they get closer to me than expected, sometimes I let them closer than necessary. Sometimes people leave, sometimes people lie, but in the end it always was only my journey. And when the destination was reached, it was not me who arrived… it was not me at all.And now I wonder if it is still me or I completely lost myself. Because once you lose yourself you always have two choices: to find that person you once have been, or lose that person completely. And I don’t know what I should do. Or who I am, for that matter. Because I realize that sometimes you have to change yourself, to look at the person who you used to be and remember the person who you wanted to be. The person who you meant to be. The person who you needed to be. The person you are. Or the person you are not anymore… And if you are on a crossroad wondering which way to take like I am, you are definitely looking back to all the years of the journey that has been yours. Remembering all your dreams, all your hopes and wondering where everything went wrong. Because none of those dreams turned out to be the way you wanted them. And you are disappointed and maybe scared. You are in the darkness. And even though you don’t want to, you do regret that things are not as simple as you have always dreamt them to be. But you try not to be bitter over all these disappointments and failures, over pain and sadness. And you learn to let go of the past, and you realize that not every day has to be sunny, that rains and storms are a huge part of life, too. And you stand there in the darkness wondering who you are and what to do and where to go. And you don’t know if you want to go anywhere at all. But you know that it is just the darkness of despair and it eventually will fade away. Because it is only in the black of the night when you can see the stars. And these stars will always lead you back home. Where your place is. Where you are you. Sometimes I feel my whole life is a dream. And then I hope whoever’s dream it is they are enjoying it. |
Maybe this olde blogspot, and the precedent few, reflects this state of mind of this furongKnight, daytime too:) OR :(
Sunday, March 05, 2006
But I've Never Been to Me...
Have You Been to Paradise?
continues...UPDATE@7.00PM as promised.
Desi's a Lad' of his (s)word.
For latecomers, please read the precedent Post!:)
BY 6.45PM, three "faithfool" readers -- Primrose, Sweetspirits and dear "olde" Joe jest a few months old -- had responded, and it was an approximation to a high quite close to Paradise. Okay, that was a hyperbole, but it's a feeling on high...It's a sense of exhilaration one could not have acheived just ten years ago before the Net became so accessible, that within a day of floating a subject which can be so beguiling,I could have four minds sharing the exchange. Hopefully, some LIGHT is shed on a subject full of guile and wile, yet so dear and precious to each member of the human race, so meaningful yet so hard to reach -- so this CONversation will go on, started off by representative from Koala Lumpu (PR hails from that B, B, W-fish city! that Smartgal who gas'd rite the name of OUR I-LAND!), Australia (Ssssspirit, who lends her name to that spiriteDestination...with hoRst Desiderata, off course:), and an infant JP guest from Sin-land. Desi of course hails from Fu Rong, famous for its Fu Rong Dan, so delicious and edible!
Let's see what my esteemed -- 'steAmed too to RESPOND! -- guests have to say:
3 Comments:
At 5:07 PM, Primrose said...
"Wow, that's going to be a difficult question to answer. There are varying answers as to what Paradise mean to individuals. It can be a place for some, some delicious food tasted for others, it can be err...having an orgasmic experience (if you know what I mean)...hmmm...
At 6:27 PM, sweetspirit said...
"I've been to paradise but i've never been 2 me ;) as for meatloaf i use 2 luv their music n lyrics , you know at a concert on the Gold Coast he fell off stage and broke his leg ,but stayed n finished the concert.
Damn that must of been painful , i broke my foot at 8.30 am in the morning " few yrs back" took kids to school done all my work then took boys to gkr , n went to hosptial at 8pm.
My friends said i was crazy ,maybe i am hehe.
Okz Desi im off 2 bed soon have tonsilitis...
But here are the Lyrics to My Fav Meatloaf song
Meatloaf Lyrics - Two Out Of Three Aint Bad Lyrics
Baby we can talk a-all night, but that ain't getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can, there's nothin' left inside of here
And maybe you can cry a-all night, but that'll never cha-ange the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside, I wish you wouldn't make me lea-eave here
I poured it on and I poured it ou-out, I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long, I'm cryin' icicles instead of tears
And all I can do, is keep on tellin' you
I want you (I want you), I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way-ay I'm ever gonna lo-ove you
Now don't be sad (don't be sad 'cause)
'Cause two out of three ai-ain't bad
Now don't - be-ee sad, ('cause) 'cause two out of three ain't bad
You'll never find your go-old on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're lookin' for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hidin' at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box
I can't lie (I can't lie...)
I can't tell you that I'm somethin' I'm not
No matter how I try, I'll never be able
To give you somethin', somethin' that I just haven't got (woh-oh)
Well there's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many year-ears ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back, ooh-ooh I know
Well I remember how she left me on a stormy night
Ahh, she kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away-ay-ay
And she kept on tellin' me, she kept on telling me
Now i realise i like soo many of their songs , back in tha day
Like " Heaven Can Wait ...
You Took the words right outta my mouth..
cheerz
At 6:33 PM, JOE.PSC said...
"Hi Desi,
If "Paradise" has the same meaning as the biblical paradise, the Garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve lived in total happiness, having not the knowledge of fear, shame, pain, etc. until that fateful bite of the forbidden fruit, then no one here has been there.
If "Paradise" is as what Jesus said on the cross to the thief next to Him "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise" (Luke 23.43), then, if anyone here has been there, she/he has to be an angel.
The incomplete song you posted "I've Never Been To Me" was an old song, sung by various singers, Charlene, Tracy Huang, etc.
To me, it is a very sad song, about living in fantasies, in dreams (icy like my blog), in imagination, of places, people and a carefree life that we want or make them to be. We all have fantasies, just like you have your spiriteDestination, about what is "TO BE HAPPY, TO FEEL LOVE, AND BE FREE". Here in the song, a woman must have felt imprisoned by her lifestyle, and seeks to search for that destination, called "Paradise" in her mental landscape, where she believes she can be happy and free (by her own criteria).
She travelled much, to Geogia, California; even to Monte Carlo, Niece and Greece ! But sadly, what she thought was "Paradise" was actually a lie, a fantasy (in later verses of the song) - there were no "ideal" place to run to or hide in or be free or be happy - and she was trying to explain this FALLACY to one discontented mother/wife, in whom, she saw some similarity in their outlook of life. That's why, she said "I wish someone had talked to me, like I wanna talk to you"
The most difficult line, yet the most "heart-wrenching" part, in the song is "I've Been To Paradise, But I've Never Been To Me". My take is this: "I have been everywhere, searching for that elusive Paradise, but NEVER have I search within MYSELF" The elusive "Paradise" in within ourselves - when we understand our own predicament and accept it, and live as happily as we possibly can, then we have found our "Paradise".The main gist of the song lies in one subsequent verse:
"Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be
But you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning
The same one you're going to make love with tonight
That's truth, that's love......"
Now, your Q1:
The thing that came closest to "Paradise" was when me and my Japanese guest were flying back from Jakarta on a Garuda plane, during one sunset, and the view of the clear white clouds hanging ouside the plane for hundreds of miles, the golden ray of the sun piercing through them, and the soft keroncong music of the cabin, all happening in harmony, certainly was blissful and heavenly; so blissful that my guest told me repeatedly he would not mind dying there and then !
Q2. "Paradise" has to be figment of the mind or a fantasy of a state of extreme happiness, that we create to transport ourselves into the realm of heavenly bliss, just like "nirvana", but it is an icy dream to me.
Q3. Being a fantasy, it is fleeting, but some people can hold it as long as they can sit in meditation. It can be helpful to destress oneself.
DESIDERATA: On-going conversation, with glasses (no handle, be carefool...don't be scalded!) of Haridas' tehtarik being passed around:
Desi:
First off, I thank Joe.Psc for filling us with the "missing" stanzas from that song -- who is the ORIGINAL SINGER, BTW, anyone?
I heard it several times on L&E, the last being two nights back, and it intrigued me.
With Joe's reminder, I "googled" and hereby reproduced the lyrics in FOOL!
I've Never Been To Me
( Charlene )
Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you.....
Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me
Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies....
Oh, I've been to Nice and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht
I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me
[spoken]
Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be
But you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning
The same one you're going to make love with tonight
That's truth, that's love......
Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete
But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free
Hey lady......
I've been to paradise, (I've been to paradise)
But I've never been to me
(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to cryin' for unborn children that might have made me complete)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
Hey, guys, now you ruminate more and get back to me. If I can get hold of Haridas on a Sundae, maybe I'd serve piping hot Nazi Lemak -- ian bilis, telur mata kerbau and groundnuts, and cutecumber -- I'd give him a call and come back in 10 minutes..."
Break at 7.20PM for Tehtarik:):):):)
DESI resumes CON at 8.18PM, with the PC fluttering a li'l -- made me some "uncomtable" feel as on detailked reading, this word stared at Desi - not a four -letter word, but recalls the olde profession of yore: "whore"
Well, let me hear out Primrose first...
Desi's whispering aloud: I agree different people have varying associations with the almost indefinable thingy called Paradise.
Mayhaps, now knotty Desi venturing a wilde gas here:
Thy first kiss under that MISStleTOE tree at Yuletide
When Frances was bonny and bright and some hormones were raging wide?
Orgasmic tidal waves that natureilly/Ally followed, I think it's best reserved for thy own rumination
Some emotions - like Eve's stolen bite - are best left as crackers and nuts for own consumption...?
Maybe Paradise was your Graduation top of the class
Or even middling but with lots of funny bytes and acting sometimes as an ass?
No worries, humans are unique, we can all have our weird hi-s and hello-s
As long it lifts thee to Ecstasy, Eve-rything -- not the drug! -- goes!
Sssssspirit: your Meatloaf's lyrics do provide an insight of being Deported from Paradise, is it not? The ending ...most of old and young lovers could have experienced the feeling of despair -- "heart-wrenching" as Joe described it -- when your partner packs up on a cold wintry night and says: I quit!
And you begging at her feet, as one would at the cross feeling it's The end of the world...
Well I remember how she left me on a stormy night
Ahh, she kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away-ay-ay
And she kept on tellin' me, she kept on telling me
Now i realise i like soo many of their songs , back in tha day
Like " Heaven Can Wait ...
You Took the words right outta my mouth..
DESIDERATA wonders sometimes God created Man and Woman so that everyone undergoes a drama of life, riding the roller coaster of love-hate, hi-lo, conflict-calm, epitomised by The famous poles of The Agony and the Ecstasy?
Desi's own encounters with Paradise would be determined by Moment to MOment of that First Love, that First Kiss,the natureil exploration that followed leading to that Climax which my sifu D.H. Lawrence so well described in LCL. Analogy with the rise and ebb of the waves, and that sudden tidal peaks that suddenly act like a tsunami --in Primrose's shy-admission, that orgasmic peaking buttressed by rising and rising crescendoes -- ah, Paradise, from Moment to Moment.
My answers to my own Qs, staright to 3:
3. It's transient. It's not permanent.
Unless you attain that high the songstress (Charlene who?) suggests, as Joe'Psc eloquently enunciated,
ONE FINDS THE PARADISE IN THE "SELF",
and the challenge in this awesomelly msteriuous human journey of Life,
How many of us can, or will?
It's now 8.45PM, Desi will take another break as the Nazi Lemak has arrived, and the night is getting cold. Yes, I'm still feeling "discomfort" about the singer's lament -- why "whoring", I wonder.
Meanwhile, dear Readers, interrupt my thoughts. I know Joe already had an Update.
:
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To be continued in 30minutes, God willing.
As Desi resumes the CON within mouthfools of Nasi les lemak, following Howsy's advice: these niggets came in, and I'll leave them unpolished as they shoine through the night sky well enough, though Queensland seems a li'l "sleepy" with sssssspirit sounding out: zzzzzzz.......
At 8:25 PM, kyels said...
I've never been to paradise.
But the Government should be offering us paradise ... Weird, eh ...?
At 8:47 PM, Primrose said...
Can we be in paradise in our dreams? Seemed to be what the song is meaning to say...
At 8:58 PM, desiderata said...
kyels: welcome to the Doors of Paradise.
NO, Y&A gal, methinks you have been to "Paradise", or well nigh -- but you're too styrict with thy own definition of what this Paradise would entail...?
Lower thy expectations -- see it in the eyes of a new-born baby mayhaps? -- your Aunt's or Cousin Sis's first birth at young age of 21? Only Desi's iuntimation...
Some Nazi Lemak to help Food4Thought...:)@8.58PM
At 9:01 PM, desiderata said...
Primrose:
Dreams -- that would be one way to attain paradise ...but thy flight of imagination must be like Jonathan Livingstone Seagull's...soaring, optimistic and fool of bravado.
Surreal is the way to go -- I'll try to climb that crescendo TONIGHT!
Meanwhile, Desis diJESTing the fool lyrics -- too deep, too much for sleep tonite!@9.01PM
Kyels&PR -- Come back with more day-dream thoghts?
At 9:20 PM, sweetspirit said...
Paradise For me is in my dreams
For in my dreams i have no fear
no worries and no one can take my dreams away :).
Now i do have nightmares too :(.
Seek your own inner depth Desi
and you will find what your looking for has always been within.
I have been to me :)
goodnight sweet dreams all
At 9:28 PM, Primrose said...
I agree with sweetspirit. Even if not in dreams, the mind holds no boundaries. Soar as high as you want!
ps: I've never had my first kiss under the mistletoe. Sigh.
pps: I'm *still* bonny and bright. :)
DESIDERATA will just add:
Kyels, I read her mind well, intimates her nigh-Paradise was entering the Nottingham campus as it's like enering the Doors to Paradise of a Whole, New World, Ain't that ecstaticaly Hi, my dear Mentee most times, and sometimes Mentor?
Primrose is joined by sweetspirits in trying out the SURREAL GETAWAYS -- I'd let them take their flights of fancy and report back tomorrow maybe? Suddenly lightning strikes of awakening to instrcut us The Way to Paradise ...next change?
I'd need some time myself to truly go into the mind of the Song's COMPOSER (anyone knows the writer? OtherWISE Desi may stake a cliam...), and I'm bold enough tomorrow -- BuesMOnade agin! -- Desi will share some dangerous thoughts.
Yes, I'll ring the curtains down for a hiatus
For we have to work an extra hour for our Daily Bread, don't we?
since the fuel price has gone up 30sen!:(
Sweetdreams tonight -- no, ss, not nightmare, you're in GOoD Company!
and
May More Vistas of Paradise Dawn On Us
God fearing people of a small wide world
PrimeDae on spiriteDestination, ''member?
INTER:LUDE continues March S'X, 200S'X?
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