Just sharing feedback on CoN test drives...

Truth in Wine Short Fiction writes with 158 entries, now judging in progress by hosts Jason Evans and author Jaye Wells ...

Sunday, July 12, 2009
Entry #84

Wine Sublime, Truth Divine
by YL Chong


CONFESSION1:

Naomi: Father, it's not good. The last time I did it with you, I felt guilty. Now I feel bad coming back ...

Pastor Parissh: Now, now, my child. That's perfectly normal. Eve after succumbing to temptation, she first felt shame. Adam too, but soon they began to enjoy the excitement of discovery. After all, we are all human...

Naomi: But I wronged my boyfriend...

Parissh: Let me fill you in. Garrett sleeps around too. He does it with the boys too...it gives him a different high.

Naomi: Father, you mean Garrett's has been confessing too?

Parissh: Oh yes!

Naomi: Oh, I see! No wonder he says he's not free on Friday nights...playing poker.

Parissh: You don't join him at the pub?

Naomi: No, I hate the taste of beer! But I enjoy our Communion wine. And last week, it was so ecstatic!

Parissh: Oh yes, we finished one whole bottle.

Naomi: The "blesssed" liquid, you said. Christ's sacrifice. Our bonding--'twas so divine!


CONFESSION2:

Garrett: Father, I feel so ashamed. I think I'm paying a price for my wandering ways.

Parissh: I worry for you, my son. It's been twelve months ...

Garrett: Father, My playing around...it has finally caught up with me...

(A pause)

I went for my annual medical last week--you know, Company's policy--and the results just came back...

(Another pause)

I have contracted AIDS. And I've been having such great sex with Naomi! Poor Naomi, she...

Posted by jason evans at 11:24 PM

30 comments:
Ello said...
Excellent! I love when the ending satisfies me!

July 13, 2009 12:12 AM
Laurel said...
This was interesting to read and I like the poetic justice. Only teensy minor quibble is how often AIDS shows up in fiction as some sort of judgment. I'd love it if someone ended up with tertiary syphyllis due to his wandering ways once in a while.

That is nothing more than a personal hang-up, though, and otherwise I really liked it!

Sorry-hope I didn't cross the line there.

July 13, 2009 12:34 AM
desiderata said...
Ello: Great to know you liked it! Yes, it took 3-4 drafts before I could wean it down with that ending:) Cheers, YL

July 13, 2009 4:56 AM
desiderata said...
Laurel:

Thanks for taking time to elaborate; it's interesting that in fact I did think about STD, paused, and opted for AIDS because with advances in medicine, syphyllis or gonorhoea (I even don't know if this spellig is right, but I'd leave as it is:)is easily treatable, hence the "penalty" won't be "poetic" enough eh! Thanks for useful feedback, YL

July 13, 2009 5:01 AM
JR's Thumbprints said...
I like the structure of your story and how it hinges around the priest. I'm not sure this line worked for me - Naomi: Oh, I see! No wonder he says he's not free on Friday nights...playing poker. The reaction doesn't seem natural. Other than that, I DO LIKE the ending!

July 13, 2009 5:24 AM
wrath999 said...
Wow, very good stuff

alex

July 13, 2009 6:19 AM
Catvibe said...
D'oh! Great ending, and I enjoyed the dialogue.

July 13, 2009 7:31 AM
laughingwolf said...
good to see the 'father' get his due!

July 13, 2009 7:33 AM
desiderata said...
Thanks JR'sT, for good point wrt "Oh, I see! No wonder he says he's not free on Friday nights...playing poker..." I read it aloud; I wanted to include this point, but it seems superfluous and does seem NOT in the right place! Glad the ending hits:) YL

July 13, 2009 8:27 AM
desiderata said...
Dear ALL comers who have shared with comments -- I read all feedback in awe... Taking part in all CoN writes really rewards in the interactivity with fellow Writers.

I am still prowling around to read your stories; will get to leave my footprints soon. -- YL, Desi

July 13, 2009 8:30 AM
desiderata said...
Dear wrath999:
Thanks for encouragement:)

Catvibe: it's good to hear the ending works -- that's the testing part in SS writing. I'm glad you like it too.

laughingwolf: sometimes we know that even the men in that white cloth are also "pretty" human, from both masculine and feminine aye/eye-points eh! ~~ YL

July 13, 2009 8:37 AM
Aniket said...
I loved the fact that you experimented with the structure here. Its a double edged sword, but seems to work wonders here.

Good job.

I loved the end and also totally agree with the point JR covered. Constructive criticism is the best thing one can get from a reader. Especially from ones so immensely talented as the one's around here.

July 13, 2009 10:20 AM
Adisha said...
So thoroughly satisfyin to read something so perfect... As Aniket says, the structure was amazing ... different yet it works for this piece !!

July 13, 2009 12:34 PM
Therese said...
I liked the format here. All dialogue, but there's still atmosphere.

July 13, 2009 1:53 PM
Chris Eldin said...
I like how you structured this--relying on dialogue to tell a story, including building an atmosphere, is very challenging. But you pulled it off!!

July 13, 2009 4:57 PM
desiderata said...
Dear all, and starting wit JR'sT and rolling with Aniket,Adisha,Therese and Chris E, Thanks for similar compliments on the Structure. Actually I had the story idea sometime back, but the 250-word limit imposed on me just telling it via dialogue. I was a little apprehensive at first -- your positive assessment means I did right by my instinct. Cheers, I am enjoying slowly but steadily all your stories too, and I amhumbled by the company:) -- YL, Desi

July 13, 2009 11:27 PM
Hoodie said...
What a tangled web we weave-

Scumbag.(The character, of course!) Way to make it come full circle.

July 14, 2009 12:07 PM
Karen said...
I'm glad to see him get his due -- so I think the ending suits perfectly.

I still find dialogue extremely difficult to write.

July 14, 2009 7:30 PM
desiderata said...
hoodie:

Thanks for transiting hear:)
Hope we don't meet too many of such scumbags in our transient stay on Mother GOoD Earth eh!:), YL

July 14, 2009 9:56 PM
desiderata said...
karen:

Hey, I enjoy your poetic and prose-poetry lots, will leave more footprints in future steals of your secrets.

I too had/have problems with dialogue as recently as last year; improved a byte or two via Jason's CoN test drives:) Che3ers, YL

July 14, 2009 10:00 PM
Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...
Loved the style and story structure - intriguing, and full of justice.

July 15, 2009 7:23 AM
Mona said...
O Dear!

This should have been titled " When Confession became Revelation".

This is how it spreads...

July 15, 2009 8:47 PM
pjd said...
My favorite bit is how casual the pastor is with his discussion of their illicit and sinful activities. As in, "Oh, yeah, that par five on the back nine is tough. I usually try to hit left, over the trees, but it always catches me up. Ha, ha, ha!" Just another casual topic of conversation, lacking significance.

July 16, 2009 1:28 AM
desiderata said...
AV;


Am glad you enjoyed it. I compliment you too for a great peice.

Mona: YES, confession, revelation, STD -- they spread in strange ways, also wear differing clothes too,or three:):):)

And pjd: appreciate all my fellow writers' sharing -- this 'hole-in-1' anecdote is LOST on a non-golfie like Desi:( but I know your meaning...Che3ers, YL

July 16, 2009 2:53 AM
Ranee Kaur Banerjee said...
Excellent! I loved it.

July 16, 2009 9:03 AM
As the Mind Meanders said...
Mind blowing end... loved it

July 16, 2009 12:35 PM
Angela said...
From beginning to end just a fabulous read and a with great twist to boot, AWESOME! Loved it!

July 17, 2009 8:37 PM
desiderata said...
Ranee: Thanks,glad you loved it.

MindMeanders: ...I like blowin' in the wind too, esp by Port Dickson sesside:) Come visit Malaysia and we can meander around...:)

Angela: I got blown o'er by thy twister too; but your Protagonist should not bully any Indonesian maid when visiting NegaraKu!:(
Che3ers to all:):):), YL

July 17, 2009 8:55 PM
JaneyV said...
Just to add to the comments that I liked the format you used and I'm a big fan of Karma getting the last laugh.

I feel sorry for Naomi though. It seems like she's paying a big price for being a bit thick.

July 18, 2009 5:01 AM
desiderata said...
janeyV: Thanks for appreciation. You know "Karma" eh -- must be among the Wise ones:)

As for Naomi (plusothers caught in matters of the heART), sometimes the Vision is blurred -- as in LoveIsBlind? YL, Desi

July 20, 2009 6:53 AM

DESIDERATA: I will take a one-week much needed rest away from all the politicking and Man's worlde of frailties and fallenness as evidenced by Teoh Beng Hock's death in my beloved homeland called Malaysia. "NegaraK -- Quo Vadis?" When will the madness stop and sanity recovery begin? It's good you take a break too, read some fine English writing at clarityofnight.blogspot.com:) I don't get any commission for doing this peace of PR! -- YL, Desi


Postscript: Copying&Pasting from my BUMmer buddy, Mindful Mariner, without AP< but I know he won't mind:) Please chalk up some V numbers by visiting him at promptus.blogspot.com:)

Monday, 20 July 2009
In Memory of Teoh Beng Hock

The people demand the truth and justice!






Teoh Beng Hock was laid to rest today
Memoria in aeterna - In everlasting remembrance



Those who are responsible, directly or indirectly, for the death of Teoh Beng Hock must be brought to justice.

Also, the idiotic and rhetorical statements, by UMNO / BN supporters, about the political opposition in Malaysia targeting Malaysian Anti Corruption Commission (MACC) because is a Malay race dominated government agency, should stop. What inane stupidity to even suggest that!

This matter extends beyond skin colour, it’s not about race, or religion or ethnicity; wake up you blinkered, narrow minded, hypocrite dumb arses who wrote, or were quoted, in the UMNO / BN controlled main stream media.




Let all in Malaysia follow this ideal:
“I am only one,
But still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything,
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do."

Edward Everett Hale





This issue not about politics, it is not about race, it is purely about justice!




All those who are guilty must be severely punished, without fear or favour.





Multi famam, conscientiam pauci verentur




Many fear their reputation, few their conscience.







Inhumanitas omni aetate molesta est





Inhumanity is harmful in every age

Posted by mindful mariner at 16:45
Labels: . Human Rights, inhumanity, integrity, intimidation, intolerance, justice, MACC, Malaysia, Teoh Beng Hock
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